WATERLOO – Wilfrid Laurier University announced the creation of the Department of Miscommunication Studies, which will be the first of its kind in Canada, at a press conference this morning. The department will be opening next year and will be headed by associate professor Herbert Pimlott.
Laurier’s president Deborah MacLatchy expressed her admiration for Pimlott’s ability to formulate absolutely incomprehensible statements. “I was listening to the recording made by teaching assistant Lindsay Shepherd of the conversation between her, Pimlott, her supervising professor Dr. Nathan Rambukkana, and Adria Joel, and I couldn’t believe how competent Pimlott was at failing to communicate clearly. That’s when I realized that if anyone deserved their own department it was him.”
When reached for comment on his new position at Laurier and his personal vision for the department, Pimlott offered a nonsensical reply about zombies and climate change. Out of respect to the intelligence of our readers, we have decided to not reproduce the statement here.
MacLatchy also reiterated at the end of the press conference that a task force will be formed to look into the Shepherd incident, and apologized once again for Laurier’s professors getting caught mishandling the situation in a secret recording. “We are already looking at possible future protocols such as conducting controversial meetings in a Faraday cage or underwater at the Athletic Complex pool. At Laurier, we take great pride in doing whatever it takes to not get caught when not doing the right thing.”